Forgive me for not posting anything sooner. I have been attending college for the last year, as a Community Support Worker - Social Service.
It is a big change for me, and I am hopeful that the time I have spent furthering my education will be of use to my community. I have to say, it feels good to see some letters after my name, because now I'm not just a "Mom" who doesn't know anything. Now I am a "professional", and that carries a lot more weight when speaking with government officials.
I admit, I know a lot more than I did a year ago, and my background and experience have stood me in good stead - providing me with inside knowledge of many features of disabilities as well as a different perspective regarding treatment.
I am looking forward to my continued participation in the forum, and I invite others to share their challenges and stories, or simply be there in support of our fellow members.
Keep your chin up...it does get better!

Back to School - Are You Prepared?

Well here we are again...back to school. For many parents, going back to school feels like a double edged sword. We are thrilled that summer is over and we can "catch a break" from 24/7 parenting, yet we dread the meetings, comments and in most cases, negative communications that we know are coming.

I always viewed the first few days of school as a holiday for me, because I knew that as soon as the classroom settled down and the rest of the children started working on their assignments, my son's lack of interest and compliance would stick out like a sore thumb and the meetings would begin.

During the first years of elementary school, (actually beginning in Kindergarten,) it became a common occurrence to be notified that my son had been suspended from class. The first suspension was a horrifying experience, as was the second. However, by the third and fourth, the horror subsided only to be replaced by other, sometimes debilitating emotions.

Unfortunately, the schools are not equipped to properly teach, guide and care for children with AD/HD - ODD. Most, (if not all now,) teacher's aides or TA's have training with developmental disabilities; Autism, Tourette Syndrome, and Asperger's to list a few. However, very little is known about AD/HD or ODD (Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder) so TA's receive little to no training with regard to these disabilities, making it almost impossible to handle these children.

This, in turn, only adds to the stress and frustration these children, and subsequently, their parents face on a daily basis. Continuing this cycle, these emotions make it difficult to communicate effectively, thereby adding more stress and frustration, making the once joyous feelings of optimism associated with a new school year wither on the vine.

There is little that can be done from a parental stand point except to make sure that your child's educators understand exactly what to expect regarding your child's behavior and trigger points. However, this isn't a fail safe approach. Many educators don't realize that the information is not simply a "concern" and hope that "in time" your child will come around to their way of teaching.

To be fair, most schools simply do not have the proper resources, and the teachers are left to wade through the turbulent waters and flash floods that behavioral disabilities can create. This will definitely separate the "wheat from the chaff" and you will very quickly see whether you have won the lottery and have a concerned, conscientious teacher who is willing to work with you.

Should you find that unfortunately you have lost the lottery, possibly for the second, third, or heaven forbid, the fourth time or more, it would be a good idea to search out a different school, as obviously your concerns have fallen on deaf ears. Finding the right school, and by "right" I mean one that will listen to what you have to say and work with you to provide the education that your child deserves, is one of the most important tasks that a parent faces - especially for those of us with special needs children, and it can't be taken lightly.

There is a saying; "Forewarned is forearmed". Make sure you have all the information you need to present to your child's educators, and in the event that your diligence is tossed aside, be prepared to search for an alternative solution, and don't stop until you find one. Once you find the answer, you will experience the peace and security that going back to school can bring.

I wish all of you "Peace and Security"...Lord knows, we all deserve it.

Social Networking and ADHD

ADHD, or Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and ODD, or Oppositional Defiant Disorder, are not "Media Friendly" disabilities. There are few, if any, movies made about this subject, or portraying the protagonist, or supporting cast as having these disorders. There are no fund raisers, front page stories, movie star endorsements, or media coverage to bring these disabilities to the attention of John Q. Public.

The people suffering from these disorders are not generally quiet, withdrawn misunderstood individuals, rather they appear to be brash, abrasive, undisciplined, angry children/young adults who seem to delight in causing upheaval and chaos wherever they go.

This is only half the story. These children are rarely undisciplined, and their disabilities magnify 'normal' behavior to a point where 'normal' consequences or discipline appears to be ineffective. Again, this is only half the story. The only way to truly understand what these disabilities can do to an individual and their friends and family, is to live with it.

Unfortunately, if you are 'lucky' enough to have a child with these disorders, you are ostracized from normal society and relegated to the outskirts with little to no support, help or information. You feel completely alone because no one understands what you are dealing with and others view you as a poor role model and terrible parent.

This blog is attempting to change that perception through social networking. Sites like Facebook, Twitter, and others can be adopted to spread the word that support is as close as the click of a mouse. When I was immersed in the daily negative, sometimes caustic, and always stressful behaviors of my six year old, there were no support groups and very few programs designed to work with ADHD/ODD children. There was no one available to explain why my son acted the way he did, and there were no solutions either. No one seemed to understand what they were dealing with and looked to me to provide the answers. Answers? Hell, I didn't even know the questions!

However, over the years I did my own research and learned everything I could about ADHD and its attendant disorders. In short, I helped myself. It wasn't pretty, and there was a lot of trial and error, but today I am in a position to be able to help my son, and it is working. It is slow and sometimes difficult, and almost always frustrating, but it is working.

Through Facebook, Twitter and Hub Pages, I and others, are spreading the word that support and information are available for others dealing with these issues and behaviors. Everyone can write, tweet, link, or like, the content available on this blog or forum to get the word out. Let your friends and followers know about this site and spread awareness and help for anyone living with these disorders. It doesn't cost any money - just a few minutes to click a mouse, so what do you say? You can help someone else get the support and information they need simply by clicking the like, tweet/retweet or link button on your social network profile, so please, take a moment and pass it on.

Thank you!
Enelle Lamb

Community Support Forum for Parents with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Children

I would just like to say "Thank you!" to all the people who are using the Community Support Forum; whether for questions and answers, information or support. We may not have all the solutions, but by adding your voices, we are helping one another, and other parents find the support they need and deserve. We shouldn't discount our experiences - they are a most valuable resource!

We all knew, when we embarked on this journey, that children didn't come with user manuals, but we were safe in the knowledge that there were many tried and true remedies, handed down from generation to generation that we felt would be enough to sustain us along the way...that and what we learned from our own parents. However, we soon discovered that these same tried and true remedies had no effect what so ever with our children, and we were left adrift in a sea of misinformation, alone and cut off from our friends and family, with no one to turn to for advice or help.

Living with any disability is difficult, but when you live with and love someone whose diagnosis does not afford them the help, programs or funding to find what they need, sometimes the only thing we can do is to band together to help ourselves.

It has taken fourteen long years for me to find programs that offer specific parenting skills and parenting groups (that would have been helpful several years ago,) for children like my son. There appear to be more programs available now than there were when my son was six and seven. This is because there are more kids being diagnosed with these disabilities than ever before, and the professionals in Child and Youth Mental Health are starting to provide the necessary services that parents need.

Unfortunately, these services are not always offered in our communities, and with today's financial and/or time constraints, it can be difficult to access them on a monthly, weekly, or sometimes daily basis...hence the Community Support Forum. This feature allows us to connect with other parents who are dealing with and surviving, (sometimes barely,) the stress associated with these disabilities. We may not have degrees in psychology, and our parenting skills might be brought into question by many parents, (who, I will add, do not deal with our type of stress,) but we have a wealth of information to pass on to other parents like ourselves.

We know what doesn't work - we have tried and tested the formulas! We know what types of medications seem to help our children, and what ones don't seem to make a difference. (I will say here, that each child is different, so what helps one might not be as effective for another, but overall, some stand out more from the crowd.) We know that sleep, (or lack there of,) food additives/processed food, allergies, potty training, discipline, consequences, and a variety of other items seem to plague our children and make it harder for us to parent them.

All of this knowledge should be, and needs to be, available to every parent who is fighting the same fight we are. Simply by sharing your stories, parents realize that they aren't alone. There are other parents out there dealing with the same issues, and that tiny bit of knowledge helps them gain the stamina necessary to get out of bed each morning - witness the over one hundred and sixty five lengthy comments on my original article - almost all of them saying thank you for posting this story.

So, for those of you who find answers, support, or a measure of solace and comfort from the Community Support Forum, I ask for your help. Tweet, Facebook, or simply pass on the link so that others can benefit from our experience and knowledge. Thank you again, and now I'll pass my soap box to the next person!

Diamonds for Valentines

Every mother expects one day to be introduced to her son or daughter's significant other. For some of us, this can be a revolving door, with new love interests being introduced monthly or even weekly in some cases. However, for parents of Attention Deficit Disorder, (ADD) and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, (ADHD) children, the prospect of potential partners is somewhat diminished due to the constant display of (sometimes) disturbing behaviors. Yet, even though these behaviors can inhibit or limit social interaction, there is still a good chance your son or daughter will, at some point, be the target of Cupid's arrows.

My son, who will be fifteen in May, is one such casualty.

It is most interesting to be granted a back row seat to this budding romance. On one hand, my son can still be quite child-like in his play, opting for playing with guns (including sound effects,) or swords and vanquishing invisible opponents. On the other hand, he can appear quite grown up, discussing the car he wants to own, future living arrangements, and of course, his girlfriend.

Christmas came and went, along with thoughts of gifts for his girlfriend such as i-Pods and lap-tops, much to my relief. When they broke up near the end of January, I felt it was a good opportunity to remind him of our conversation about buying expensive gifts and possible short term romances, all of which went out the window when he reconciled with his girlfriend the second week of February.

With Valentine's day looming on the horizon, talk turned once again to gift giving. This time, instead of i-Pods, he shifted his gaze to diamonds. Try as I might, he would not be dissuaded from the idea of presenting his Valentine with a diamond pendant. (I suppose I should thank my lucky stars he wasn't thinking of a ring...) He was adamant that I spend upwards of $100.00 - in his words, "Don't cheap out Mom..."

Now, I know what you must be thinking. Diamonds? For a thirteen year old girl, from a fourteen year old boy? Are you off your rocker? Let me assure you, I am not nuts, nor will I allow my son to rush out and spend all his paper route money on a diamond pendant. Fortunately, my schedule did not allow for the both of us to shop for a Valentine's present, and since he can be easily distracted by his video games, he did not have the forethought to use public transportation to achieve his goal. However, this meant that on the eve of Valentine's day, after working an emergency shift for a Fortis BC gas leak, I was zipping through Zellers to find a "diamond" pendant for my son's girlfriend.

I found a lovely initial that I thought would satisfy both my son and his girlfriend and made my purchase. I won't divulge the price, suffice it to say it did not 'break the bank', and was well within the range of 'perfectly acceptable' when it comes to 'possible short term romance' gifts!

My son was thrilled with the pendant and presented his girlfriend with her gift this morning in class, sending me a text saying "she loves it!" 

Time for a well deserved "way to go Mom" and congratulatory pat on the back!

Hello Enelle and all the other frustrated parents,

Just found a VERY lengthy article, "The Drugging of Our Children" by Gary Null (you can Google it) that really delves into the ADD/ADHD problem (seemingly concentrated in North America according to this, as we account for 96% of the prescription use worldwide) and the topic of medicating. I haven't read the entire article as it is quite long, ( I plan to) but was intrigued by what I have read so far.

For instance: The musings of newspaper columnist Rod Allee: "There was a boy who in his early teens was a bad student, failing in many classes. Thought to be bright and encouraged by his parents and his uncles, the boy could not bring himself to pay attention. He dropped out of school and took long walks. Meetings were held. No psychiatric medicine was available. The boy's personality changed not a whit. Nevertheless the boy became a legend. Yes, that boy was Albert Einstein. It is possible, in my mind, probable, that had psychiatric medications been prescribed for the young Albert, the world would never have learned about relativity."

Perhaps some of you have read about the teenage girls in an Upstate NY high school who were all perfectly healthy and have developed, overnight, (in one case literally after a nap) tics, spasms and symptoms of Tourette's Syndrome. Many cannot attend school anymore. The cause is a mystery, but many blogging about it are wondering about the much hyped GARDASIL vaccine. I have read articles of girl's becoming quite ill, and some dying after receiving this shot. Of course when the GYNO that my 19 year old daughter went to proposed taking this shot, she balked at my telling her what I had learned. "Where did you hear that?!" she snapped. "EVERYONE is getting this vaccine!" My daughter told me as we left, (no she didn't get the shot) "Mom, NONE of my friends have gotten it."

More and more it is clear that pills and vaccines are being pushed, and pushed hard. It's a VERY lucrative business. Our babies are receiving more vaccines in their tiny bodies than ever before. I find it hard to believe there is no connection between the rise in vaccines and the medical issues we as parents, are dealing with. I don't believe it's just happening. As I've said before, we are all strangers to one another, yet we are all describing the same child. Does no one else but me find this astounding? And as we are ripping our hair out, doctors and drug companies are raking in a lot of money. I'm not saying vaccines shouldn't be, but perhaps they shouldn't be given in multiple form and maybe spaced out a bit so our kids can adjust.

Food for thought. But I have had educator's and my son's pediatrician all confide in me that they do not favor the meds. They do not trust them either. I believe there is a cause, and a cure. Who knows, maybe the "cure" will be something as simple as stopping something from entering their bodies.

posted by: Christina

Holiday Greetings

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanuka, and Seasons Greetings!

This year was a pleasant surprise from previous holiday seasons. My son, who is ADHD/ODD was surprisingly mellow over the beginning of Christmas break. I was told by his school counselor that he was a bit distracted (what child isn't,) and somewhat "grumpy", but that all of the children were excited and restless. My son managed to keep his behavior in check for the most part, and there were no melt-down's or escalating issues with other students. He even managed to finish all his work and is now caught up with the rest of his class, so that when or if report cards are issued, he will receive full marks for this term.

I was also pleased to note that his behavior at home was more controlled than previous years. Yes, he was still excited, and yes the ODD still made its appearance from time to time, but overall his behavior and attitude was well within acceptable limits. We had family visiting with us this year, and some would say that was the reason for his good behavior. I, however, know that guests do not affect positive behavior. It would make no difference if the President was visiting!

My son had only one minor meltdown (so far,) over the holidays, and that was when the dog ate a few of his chocolate coins that he had neglected to pick up off the floor, (after being reminded a few times to do so.) He was most aggrieved and his words were particularly venomous, however the outburst was short lived, and both he and the dog made friends again, his chocolates were replaced and all was well with the world.

To be perfectly honest, his outburst was short lived because we very firmly stopped the tirade, explaining that he had left the chocolates, the dog was doing what dogs do, (I mean, what do you expect from a dog?), and within a few minutes, instigated a reunion between the two. My son was told to apologize and make friends, and the issue was closed with a "group hug" to end the day on a positive note. Generally speaking, this is not the type of parenting that most people would expect, or one that would have any effect on a behavioral issue. However, the outcome was positive - the behavior disappeared, and peace was restored within minutes.

I have used this principal before, but this particular time it worked in minutes...something to think about for the coming year...I will keep you posted!

First Jobs and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

My son is a paper carrier. I am quite proud of the fact that he is employed. After all he is only fourteen, and just the idea that he wants to work is wonderful. I still find it amazing that he actually wants to work. However, there is a huge difference between wanting to work and actually doing the work!

When he first started, I had to help him several times as he wasn't used to the physical exertion required, and I got very tired of hearing the excuses and complaining that went along with the paper route! However, he did get used to his route and soon he was managing it all by himself. The only issue that kept recurring was getting him started. For weeks I had to remind him that "today  is paper day," and then keep nudging him to get out there and start delivering. After a few months, we finally settled on a delivery time, and that seemed to work out well.

Then we got a call from the newspaper office stating that they had made a mistake, and his route was actually bigger than what he had been told. This sparked a new hurdle. My son decided that he wasn't going to do the other street as the route now took him twice as long to do and the previous complaints came back with a flourish! I suggested that he call his "boss" and tell her that he didn't want to deliver papers any more, but my son admitted that he had become accustomed to the money, and he was actually reluctant to give it up.

Again, it took a few months before he finally settled into a routine, and for the most part, he completes his whole route on his own, with no help from me...unless it is pouring rain. Then I will step in and we load his papers into the van. I drive, he delivers!

So far, my son has been a paper carrier for over a year, and this will be the second Christmas that he is able to buy gifts with his own money!

As today is "paper day", it is time for me to remind him to start early...it gets dark quite early now, and I am doing my best to motivate him to start and finish while there is still daylight! At any rate, I am very pleased that he still has his first job, and that for the most part, he doesn't complain about doing it...
See? There is light at the end of the tunnel...

HubPages Comments, continued

Meet Christina, the mother of an eight year old boy with ADD, a high functioning form of Asperger's and possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder.) These are her words:

My son is 8 years old, has ADD, a high functioning form of Asperger's and I think ODD. He is very intelligent, as handsome as his Daddy (who is the love of my life) and is driving us nuts. As I write this he has been doing homework for almost 4 hours. Last night was an epic 6 1/2, the same amount of time a school day lasts. It's not that he's not capable of doing the work, he manages to do it in school. I have tried everything, and I'm at my wits end. We've done the reward system, which he only managed to turn around on us by flat out refusing to do anything unless he's guaranteed getting his game system which was the reward. We've tried punishment, not allowing any TV time before homework, made sure there are no distractions, sat beside him for hours to help him, explained that if he gets his work done there will be free time to do what he wants. NOTHING works. Yet somehow he manages to do well in school. Though his teachers always talk about his focusing issues, he is performing at grade level, in a mainstream class, is two reading levels above where is expected, gets high scores on all tests, is very good at math, and can recite lessons he's been taught. Every time I walk into the school for whatever reason all I hear is "Hi Nicky!". Teachers who do not even have him in their class know who he is. Children in older grades know who he is and last year there were a group of 6th grade girls he called his "girlfriends". They were quite charmed by him. Apparently he is quite the character in school. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for a day to see it. Well behaved and well mannered I'm always told. It makes me mad and jealous that he can't show us the same respect and courtesy. We, after all, are the ones that do everything for him.

Home is another story. He's putting us through hell. My 19 year old daughter went to live with my Mother at 14 because she couldn't deal with the constant yelling, arguing and stress. It absolutely breaks my heart, as I love her dearly. She lives close by and I do see her quite often, she comes for sleepovers at our home and she and I are quite close. But I wish I had her home. She loves her brother, but gets as frustrated with him as we do. My neighbors put up with a lot as they listen to quite a bit of yelling. One has a son with ADHD so she really understands. Yet it's embarrassing as hell. This is not me. It's not the household I come from where things were quiet, and yelling just wasn't part of the program.

I have come to believe that part of his issues he is VERY much in control of. He's a devil in the morning as we get ready for school which he refers to as a "trap", but as he walks into the school yard I can literally see the transformation. He's good all day and the moment he gets out it begins to change and by the time I am pulling into my driveway it's "hello Mr. Nasty". He knows full well what he's doing. As he gets my husband and I (I am his FAVORITE target-the weakest link I guess) angrier and angrier you can almost see the twinkle in his eye. He enjoys it, which is nuts. We are not pushovers by any means, and don't let him get away with bad behavior because "he can't control it" as I've been told. BS! He likes to push our buttons, it's obvious. Our immediate family "gets it" but when you try to explain it to anyone not living with this they look at you like you have three heads. They see him as charming, witty, intelligent and oh my God do they LOVE to talk to him. "He speaks like an adult, not like a child!" If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this I'd be loaded. The cashiers in my local market are even charmed by him. None of them live with him though.

I am very involved with school and my husband has put him in Little League and Hockey (a perfect sport to release his aggression, but there Nicky acts like a wimp ) and my husband manages and coaches both teams to be involved. He himself is very athletic and the other kids and parents love his style. Nicky could be good in both, he has potential but he loves to give his Daddy a hard time. My husband has enrolled him in these sports teams to help with Nicky's social issues, which are another problem. He has befriended another boy on his hockey team with the same issues and at first we thought "Great, he's made a friend!". Well, two peas in a pod are not always the best thing when dealing with ADD. They drive my husband nuts during practice and games because they do not stop talking. It never ceases to amaze me how much he can talk, and he was delayed with his speech. He talks from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep. It's how we know he's fallen asleep, for we no longer hear the talking.

The level of stress is through the roof, and we both feel it taking a toll on our health. We can't ever get a break from him, as no one will take him for a sleepover. Everything we do or don't do is based upon whether Nicky will be happy, well behaved and/or entertained. It ALL revolves around him. I believe that my kids come first, but we have a life too. And that my daughter has sat out on vacations and outings because of the nonsense is so unfair. I don't invite our friends over because at any moment something can erupt, and escalate because he just doesn't know when to stop, and I don't need the added embarrassment. Holidays are pretty much the only time, and he usually makes sure to give me an extra hard time then knowing that I am busy and stressed as it is. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or any special day he likes to sabotage. If he knows you are not feeling well, he gets extra pleasure out of making you miserable.

I don't get to be a "Mommy" to him. Most of the time I'm angry, arguing, frustrated, annoyed and yelling. His childhood is flying by and it's so sad that things are this way. Once in a while (and I don't know why) he is a "normal" kid for a day. He's sweet, well behaved and I can breath again. It's cruel in a way because it lets me see how things could be. How I wish with all my heart they would be. It's a window to another life possibility, and I try to explain that to him. I try to point out that when he is like that there is no fighting or yelling, and there wouldn't be if he would act like that most of the time. But I think he gets bored with that. He likes the chaos.

We don't want to medicate him. I just don't feel these drugs have been around long enough, and who knows what effects will come to light in 10-20 years. Doctors and pharmaceutical companies just love to dispense a shot or a pill for everything nowadays. His pediatrician agreed that she is no fan of these medications either, and many others I've spoken to feel the same.

What do we do? I feel lost. Reading the other posts here have made me feel slightly better as I know we are not alone. We love our son dearly, and would do anything for him. We both believe he can be very successful someday, he has so much potential. But I also see a lot of trouble if he can't get his instigating and aggressive ways under control. His condition is a blessing in some ways (the intelligence) and a maddening situation in others. All I know is as I drive away from school after dropping him off I can feel the physical change in me. My chest loosens up, I can breathe, my head stops pounding, the stress fades and I can talk without yelling. And the reverse happens at pick-up time, I feel it all increasing because I know what will transpire. And I know homework hell is looming. It's a vicious cycle, and I go to sleep every night praying (sometimes crying) that my son will begin to ease up on some of this.

As more and more children seem to have this (there are about 6 boys in his class and I don't know how his teacher manages) the medical community and the schools need to step up their game. It takes a village to raise a child right? Something somewhere is causing this upswing and I do believe there is a remedy other than sedating them. I try to keep the faith that those questions will be answered, and a "cure" of some sort will be available someday. Til then the gray hairs keep coming faster and faster and my beauty supply store keeps making more money! LOL. 

Hello and Welcome to Our New Members

I must apologize for being remiss in welcoming our new members! I could cite several reasons and excuses, but to be completely truthful, I left it up to the individual members to contact us! I have since discovered that I, personally, find the Friend Connect feature a tad confusing so have decided to simply by pass this feature and issue a public and very heartfelt welcome via a new post.

Thank you so much for choosing to join our community! Seeing new members always makes my heart glad! It is such a joy to know that our community is not only growing, but attracting and sustaining readership across the globe! Our "mission" (to use the up-to-date vernacular,) is to educate readers about ADHD, ODD and other disabilities related to ADD and ADHD, as well as provide information, resources and support for parents and adults living with these disabilities.

We are not medical professionals, although some of our members and followers might be. We are simply parents and adults who have a unique view of ADHD. We feel our community fills a void, because we have a different perspective. We have a wealth of information and support to share with not only our members, but everyone whose lives have been touched and in many cases, changed by ADHD and its attendant disabilities.

I do hope that everyone who has joined this site since its inception has found our community helpful and informative in some way. Please feel free to use the forums if you have any questions or answers for us, and if you are interested in adding your story, please contact us at harondezyn@hotmail.com and we will be happy to add you to the author's group.

Once again, thank you for joining our community and we hope to hear from you soon!

Life With a Learning Disabled Child:My Own Story

Nic today with his new wife Shannon

As with most first-time Mothers, the parenthood journey started long before the actual birth and encompassed a plethora of worries.  When my son Nicholas finally did arrive, kicking and screaming, I took my final cleansing breath of relief, without an inkling of what lie ahead for both of us. At that point in time, I was elated, high on the wonders of childbirth, my son’s tiny perfect hands and the ability to sleep, if only for a few hours when he was shuffled back to the nursery. My family and friends visited, we drank champagne to celebrate this incredible moment in time, and toasted in a new year and a new life. It was December 31^st, New Year’s Eve and a wonderful day to be born.

When I returned to my apartment with my bundle of joy, life would never be the same. As a single mother, I learned quickly that everything had to be carefully planned, from showers to shopping; I had a new appreciation for Mothers everywhere and wondered if they ever felt as inadequate as I did.  To top it off, it seemed like whatever I did, Nicholas would not stop crying and although everyone kept telling me to “just relax, babies do cry” I could not just let him cry. His pediatrician assured me that he was fine, and that he probably just had a touch of “colic” a condition, by the way, that I still don’t completely understand. Nicholas was eventually put on a goat’s milk formula which did seem to agree with him best and I spent many hours rocking, holding, singing and dancing him sleep. It was the motion that seemed to be the most calming, with a quick cruise around the block becoming my favorite fussy baby fix!

To say that Nicholas was an active toddler is an extreme understatement. He was busy, stubborn and difficult to handle, doing best with a consistent daily routine and constant one-to-one interaction. He was always very social and athletic however, which was a plus when he entered daycare. There were concerns about Nicholas’ behavior though, and even at this age, his daycare and preschool teachers commented that he was frequently disruptive and defiant, especially during activities that required him to remain quiet, and pay attention to instruction. This did not surprise me in the least because I had the same frustrating experience with Nicholas at home. When it came time for Kindergarten, I was incredibly worried that he was just not ready, willing or able to comply with the most basic requests. In addition, Nicholas was not reading or writing, it was apparent that this was very difficult for him and he literally threw a fit whenever I attempted to review these essential skills!

Amazingly, he got through Kindergarten and part of First Grade with a few good friends and memories before the dreaded call came requesting my presence at a meeting with concerned school staff regarding Nicholas’ progress and placement. The condensed version: they suggested that Nicholas be assessed for placement in the district’s special education program, theoretically moving him into a class with 8 or 9 special-needs children,  located in a trailer on the same elementary school campus. Of course I wanted him to learn with more individualized attention, and so I agreed to the proposed plan, and so began the battery of tests for Nicholas and meetings for me.

Unfortunately, things got much worse after Nicholas’ move and in the years to come. He was questioned and teased relentlessly by his previous classmates and so Nicholas’ behavior became much worse. He became angry and more uncooperative as the positive social interaction that he once shared with his peers was gone, replaced by a boy who felt isolated and different.

He went from learning disabled to learning disabled with oppositional behavior, the initial official diagnoses was ADHD with ODD, or Attention Deficit Disorder with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This changed over the years though, as reflected in numerous IEP, or Individual Educational Placement Reports. I tried to learn as much as I could by asking questions but I was told repeatedly to take the various diagnoses notes with a grain of salt as they frequently sounded worse than they really were to obtain sufficient funding. This only added to my worry however as these files were a part of Nicholas' permanent school record and identity. I felt helpless to do anything about it. The nightmare continued and eventually landed Nicholas in a private school that was about 40 miles away from our apartment. 

By this time, nearing the end of 5^th grade, he decided that it was far better to be bad than stupid and after a short adjustment period, he seemed to fit right in, although I don’t know how beneficial this was. He was picking things up from his new classmates that made learning even more difficult and things at home impossible. Trying to work full time, drive Nic (as he now liked to be called) to school every day because he was embarrassed to ride in the little yellow bus and then set limits for an impossible and constantly testing child was taking a toll on me. The therapy sessions that Nic and I attended were not much help either at this point because Nic would not talk. He would just sit in silence, arms crossed and angry. I tried everything from behavior modification to punching bags on the porch.

But then, as I contemplated filling out an application for Wilderness Camp, Nic got to know a teacher at his school named Greg who seemed to share Nic’s love of sports. One of the problems with many privately run special education schools and programs is that they don’t have a strong focus on sports, perhaps understandable due to a lack of funding. As Nic’s friends and peers were playing High School Football, he watched from the sidelines, wanting to be part of something he always loved. Greg understood this gap in the system and made an effort to start a Sports Program at the school, and challenged Nic to help. If you don’t like something change it, and so they did. Having Jerseys made and arranging practice and game schedules, they succeeded in starting something that Nic now attributes to helping strengthening his body and mind, allowing him to make it through an educational system that didn’t seem to understand him.

Nic continues to struggle academically but after high school and as he began to mature, his attitude improved making life much easier than it was before. He still avoids everyday tasks like filling out forms, and situations where he may have to read out loud or be put on the spot but his love of sports, exercise, health and animals has reaffirmed his self-worth. He is without a doubt, still a work in progress who will never forget his journey. Last July, 2010, he married his girlfriend Shannon, who is, ironically, a 5^th grade teacher who specializes in special education and family counseling. Nic is working as a mechanic and enjoys coaching football and basketball at the school Shannon works at. Although I don’t think I’ll convince Nic to further his education any time soon, he is a relatively happy individual and I am very proud of how far he has come.

This certainly is not the end of a happily-ever-after story by any means, but I think it’s a message to us as parents and citizens of society that one size does not fit all. One must feel hope and a sense of accomplishment. When we get out of bed in the morning, if there is nothing to look forward to then our performance will indeed reflect that lack of purpose in all that we do. For young people especially, they are all so different and must be allowed to learn and express themselves in many sometimes unconventional ways. We must be able to tune into and further develop their strengths as well as diagnose their weaknesses. As neighbors, friends, family and parents--children are the future and we must act as advocates, sometimes finding a hidden purpose within them that they do not even know exists.

Chatkath